Parenting paradox: parenting after infant loss

A UniSA study has found the impact of an infant death on mums and dads has far-reaching consequences on subsequent parenting. Published in international journal ‘Midwifery’, the study shows that bereaved parents can adopt a ‘paradoxical’ parenting style when parenting after a perinatal or early infant loss.

Dr Warland said the qualitative study of 13 bereaved parents was conducted to gain an in-depth understanding of the parenting experiences of bereaved parents in the years following an infant death. “What we found was parents described a ‘paradoxical’ parenting style where they were trying to parent, using two diametrically opposed and unsustainable options,” Dr Warland said.

“Participants expressed the need to hold their subsequent child close because they were so grateful for their child’s life, whilst also holding the child at an emotional arm’s length, fearing their child might die.

“In order to protect themselves from a repeat loss, they often took control of things they felt they could control, such as the child’s sleeping environment.

“The parenting paradox was evident when participants talked about making parenting decisions. They shared a loss of confidence in the ability to make parenting decisions as a result of their infant’s death, but this came alongside stories where they felt empowered to make decisions because their infant had died.

“The parenting paradox was also expressed through participants being concerned about checking and protecting their child, and paradoxically leaving their child unchecked. These parents described checking on their subsequent children while they were sleeping, often in the middle of the night. Checking was not confined to their own children, but also involved other people’s children sleeping over in the house.”

Dr Warland said previous research on bereaved parents’ relationships with subsequent children had focussed, quite understandably, on the impact of heightened anxiety in the subsequent pregnancy as well as mothers deliberately delaying attachment in the subsequent pregnancy and early infancy.

“Participants in our study described continuing to deliberately hold aloof from their child well into that child’s childhood. We suggest that this finding means that there may be disruption of affectional bonds between bereaved parents and their subsequent child, which extends far into the parenting of that child,” she said.

“There is a need for research into the effect of this on not only the emotional development of the subsequent child, but also other children already in the family, and the mental health status of the bereaved parents.

“Further research is required to support specific education during the subsequent pregnancy and after the birth. This education should aim at early intervention with anxiety and attachment issues, and alert parents that their infant’s loss impacts future parenting.”

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